I am very happy to report that Dad is back in California! (This is pretty overdue--he actually flew home 11 days ago...) It's hard to believe that this journey has come this far. I actually am extremely relieved about all of the progress Dad has made, but I have been overwhelmed with many different emotions since I came back to New Jersey on May 19. In fact, I think I'm just overwhelmed.
I think I am still processing everything that happened the past few years, months, and weeks. Getting back to my life at home and work has also been a strange adjustment. I have a new appreciation for life as the cliche goes, however I'm having trouble balancing that with my usual to-do lists. Aren't they all intertwined? I want to paint my bedroom so I enjoy the space more, but why am I 'wasting a weekend' if I can be enjoying some precious time with friends or family? I want to plan a vacation, but how can I book something before I know when I could see my parents again? Why would I spend time blogging at all anymore? Yet--shouldn't I spend the time to maintain the intention of this blog and capture the experience of everything related to my father's liver disease--particularly the good news and emotions?
There are so many books and articles about people changing how they live after such a traumatic experience. A new respect for life naturally leads to a different perspective. Yet, I have not read about or related to many people trying to balance all that they had before with this new perspective. Are you supposed to do what you did before with a better attitude? Do I need to become an outspoken advocate for organ donation? Are you really supposed to change what you do? Not only can I not change my basic personality, but I have the same responsibilities I had before. How do I make sure I pay my bills AND spend time away from work doing various activities that I enjoy more? Should I ignore the concept of giving back after all that we have received?
To add to the mix of conflicted feelings, I made so much time to talk to Dad's medical team when he was sick yet I never really thanked anyone--once I was outside of the hospital, anyway. Shouldn't I do something for all of them? Send a nice letter to the surgeons and GI? Give the TICU nurses a thank you gift? Thank the hotel staff for going out of their way to help my father while he stayed in a hotel very sick and very alone for so many months? Is my to-do list just getting longer unnecessarily? Or shouldn't I make sure I tell people how much I appreciate all that they have done to change my life and save my father's?
I do not know if I am overwhelmed by the time involved or the emotional processing required, however I feel that I am frozen half of the time and unable to do what I need to (or want to) do. I just have more questions now, including how much longer we have before Dad has an inevitable set-back that I am emotionally unprepared for right now.
I really did not anticipate feeling this conflicted after this liver transplant ordeal. Yet, how can I kvetch? My father is home in California and feeling fantastic for the first time in years--really! My father is doing well and has fantastic lab results to prove it. Am I even allowed to kvetch anymore?
Well, I have taken a bit of a break from blogging now that I'm back home and I haven't decided yet how often I will write, despite the mountains of topics I'd like to post. I indeed painted my bedroom (with multiple trips to Home Depot and ACE Hardware, of course) with my husband, I have tried to spend time with friends, and am planning various activities that have been placed on hold the past year or so. I go to work. I call my parents nearly everyday to hear the progress in my Dad's upbeat voice. Perhaps just taking life as it happens without questioning too much is what I need to be doing now. Right?
I think I am still processing everything that happened the past few years, months, and weeks. Getting back to my life at home and work has also been a strange adjustment. I have a new appreciation for life as the cliche goes, however I'm having trouble balancing that with my usual to-do lists. Aren't they all intertwined? I want to paint my bedroom so I enjoy the space more, but why am I 'wasting a weekend' if I can be enjoying some precious time with friends or family? I want to plan a vacation, but how can I book something before I know when I could see my parents again? Why would I spend time blogging at all anymore? Yet--shouldn't I spend the time to maintain the intention of this blog and capture the experience of everything related to my father's liver disease--particularly the good news and emotions?
There are so many books and articles about people changing how they live after such a traumatic experience. A new respect for life naturally leads to a different perspective. Yet, I have not read about or related to many people trying to balance all that they had before with this new perspective. Are you supposed to do what you did before with a better attitude? Do I need to become an outspoken advocate for organ donation? Are you really supposed to change what you do? Not only can I not change my basic personality, but I have the same responsibilities I had before. How do I make sure I pay my bills AND spend time away from work doing various activities that I enjoy more? Should I ignore the concept of giving back after all that we have received?
To add to the mix of conflicted feelings, I made so much time to talk to Dad's medical team when he was sick yet I never really thanked anyone--once I was outside of the hospital, anyway. Shouldn't I do something for all of them? Send a nice letter to the surgeons and GI? Give the TICU nurses a thank you gift? Thank the hotel staff for going out of their way to help my father while he stayed in a hotel very sick and very alone for so many months? Is my to-do list just getting longer unnecessarily? Or shouldn't I make sure I tell people how much I appreciate all that they have done to change my life and save my father's?
I do not know if I am overwhelmed by the time involved or the emotional processing required, however I feel that I am frozen half of the time and unable to do what I need to (or want to) do. I just have more questions now, including how much longer we have before Dad has an inevitable set-back that I am emotionally unprepared for right now.
I really did not anticipate feeling this conflicted after this liver transplant ordeal. Yet, how can I kvetch? My father is home in California and feeling fantastic for the first time in years--really! My father is doing well and has fantastic lab results to prove it. Am I even allowed to kvetch anymore?
Well, I have taken a bit of a break from blogging now that I'm back home and I haven't decided yet how often I will write, despite the mountains of topics I'd like to post. I indeed painted my bedroom (with multiple trips to Home Depot and ACE Hardware, of course) with my husband, I have tried to spend time with friends, and am planning various activities that have been placed on hold the past year or so. I go to work. I call my parents nearly everyday to hear the progress in my Dad's upbeat voice. Perhaps just taking life as it happens without questioning too much is what I need to be doing now. Right?
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