No matter where I am or what I am doing, I feel like I have an alter ego these days. My (internal dialog) mantra last week was "I'm Batman!" anytime I couldn't rationalize a particular situation.
People at work have no idea what's going on with me and my family. I prefer that it stays that way, however it is so odd to have so much going on in my head as well as the daily phone calls, emails, and occasional trips where I'm missing work. I know plenty of colleagues wonder what I'm up to and make (incorrect) assumptions. Part of me wants to tell everyone the whole story--have a little sympathy before more judgements are made about my occasional run down the hall to get into a conference room for a personal call or a missed couple days of work without talking about where I went or why I'm so exhausted and low-energy these days.
I am sitting in work meetings half of the time noticing how I can barely remember details like I used to--like my father, that's one aspect of my personality I always prided myself on. As I'm in finance, remembering details (especially numbers!) is so important, yet I'm blanking all of the time now on the various projects I'm working on. Of course, I'd love for people to know that I have so much on my mind and cut me some slack, but it's really not that simple. Not having folks at work know about my personal life is nice, since I have a separate place to go several days a week where I'm not constantly thinking and talking about the situation in Indiana that is weighing on me. For periods of time throughout the work day I actually get a break from it--assuming I remember what I'm doing at that moment in my meeting or at my desk.
Even at home while with friends or family I still feel a little misunderstood. My inner circle has a better sense than most about my Dad and his situation which is nice to have people that listen to me kvetch. Thankfully, most of them really want to be there for me and help. I am certainly not complaining about that--without that, I think I would be in pretty bad shape myself. Yet, no one really can appreciate what I'm going through. I was raised by my parents so I know them and love them like no one else on the planet. There are certainly many judgements about why I spend so much time trying to help them, but without living in my house and experiencing or witnessing terrible things constantly happening to my parents who loved me and raised me to be strong and independent, it is impossible to understand why I do what I do.
I have spent more time with my Dad the last several years than anyone else (other than Mom) so I can appreciate how much his health has actually declined. I have spent the most time on the phone with countless doctors talking about his case, so I am more frustrated and scared than anyone else (other than Dad). I have certainly spent an enormous amount of time researching information and options to make this situation better without making much progress. I obsess constantly over what I can be doing to help despite huge obstacles to any possible solution I think about--and I consider myself a good problem solver. I spend hours on the phone discussing every miserable detail and then even more time staring at my phone fearing bad news is imminent. How can I expect anyone to understand what I am really going through?
I think I will try to remember that I will never be completely understood yet have plenty of support for what I'm doing. I have to keep faith that I'm doing the right things despite what people think of me. I may seem mysterious or strange or misguided, but that is something I have to be better about letting go. I certainly have no superpowers, but I know that I will never regret my efforts. If only I had the police commissioner (well, the national transplant system) in on my story...
My mazel.
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People at work have no idea what's going on with me and my family. I prefer that it stays that way, however it is so odd to have so much going on in my head as well as the daily phone calls, emails, and occasional trips where I'm missing work. I know plenty of colleagues wonder what I'm up to and make (incorrect) assumptions. Part of me wants to tell everyone the whole story--have a little sympathy before more judgements are made about my occasional run down the hall to get into a conference room for a personal call or a missed couple days of work without talking about where I went or why I'm so exhausted and low-energy these days.
I am sitting in work meetings half of the time noticing how I can barely remember details like I used to--like my father, that's one aspect of my personality I always prided myself on. As I'm in finance, remembering details (especially numbers!) is so important, yet I'm blanking all of the time now on the various projects I'm working on. Of course, I'd love for people to know that I have so much on my mind and cut me some slack, but it's really not that simple. Not having folks at work know about my personal life is nice, since I have a separate place to go several days a week where I'm not constantly thinking and talking about the situation in Indiana that is weighing on me. For periods of time throughout the work day I actually get a break from it--assuming I remember what I'm doing at that moment in my meeting or at my desk.
Even at home while with friends or family I still feel a little misunderstood. My inner circle has a better sense than most about my Dad and his situation which is nice to have people that listen to me kvetch. Thankfully, most of them really want to be there for me and help. I am certainly not complaining about that--without that, I think I would be in pretty bad shape myself. Yet, no one really can appreciate what I'm going through. I was raised by my parents so I know them and love them like no one else on the planet. There are certainly many judgements about why I spend so much time trying to help them, but without living in my house and experiencing or witnessing terrible things constantly happening to my parents who loved me and raised me to be strong and independent, it is impossible to understand why I do what I do.
I have spent more time with my Dad the last several years than anyone else (other than Mom) so I can appreciate how much his health has actually declined. I have spent the most time on the phone with countless doctors talking about his case, so I am more frustrated and scared than anyone else (other than Dad). I have certainly spent an enormous amount of time researching information and options to make this situation better without making much progress. I obsess constantly over what I can be doing to help despite huge obstacles to any possible solution I think about--and I consider myself a good problem solver. I spend hours on the phone discussing every miserable detail and then even more time staring at my phone fearing bad news is imminent. How can I expect anyone to understand what I am really going through?
I think I will try to remember that I will never be completely understood yet have plenty of support for what I'm doing. I have to keep faith that I'm doing the right things despite what people think of me. I may seem mysterious or strange or misguided, but that is something I have to be better about letting go. I certainly have no superpowers, but I know that I will never regret my efforts. If only I had the police commissioner (well, the national transplant system) in on my story...
My mazel.
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